Passing of grandma

Today my mother passed from lung cancer at 62. This was a hard one for all of us in the family for nobody not even herself knew she was sick. I was fortunate to visit her in August when she first was diagnosed. This was probably the first time I prayed in a long time while I was at the hospital. I prayed that she didn't suffer anymore pain. But I wasn't ready to let go either. So when the funeral came I  became numb and shut down. I couldn't even give a speech at the funeral or read a scripture let alone let Parker see grandma in a casket. Maybe that's selfish but I don't want him to remember grandma that way. I want him to remember the good times he had with grandma. My only wish was that he got to spend 1 Christmas with her. That never happened:( That's my fault for having a job that needs you every holiday